Mission Memories

Since I'm not funny enough to do stand-up, I thought I'd write down some of my memories from my mission that make me laugh. Yes, I know I've been home for 5 years this month. I think that's what is making me remember these particular stories:
First area, first companion (trainer)- Sister St. John had been in this area half her mission and was going home after me. So she didn't want to tract all the same neighborhoods she always had over and over again. So we did a lot of service at a retirement home. I learned how to make coffee there, something I never would have thought I'd learn how to do on my mission.
First area, second companion- Sister Throckmorton and I were tracting in the snow. The old rules still applied about nylons having to be worn at all times, so we wore thermals, wool socks, extra skirts, and then nylons on top. It was really runny looking, but we had to figure out some way to stay warm. We were only allowed to tract for 30 minutes before we had to go back to the car to warm up for 30 minutes (mission rules, because it was so cold). We carried golf balls in our pockets to use to knock on the doors, so we wouldn't have to take off our gloves. We wore beanies, earmuffs, and scarfs around our faces. All you could see was our eyes. And I wore all black, because it is my favorite color, so Sister Haines (Mission president's wife) would yell at me and say that I needed to "wear more color!" So I wore another scarf, a red one, on top. Coldest I've ever been in my life.
Second area, third companion- President Haines had the brilliant idea to put me in a "Zebra companionship", meaning my companion was Spanish and I was English. She was from Mexico and was very angry that I was having a hard time picking up the language (I took French in High School, so I knew zero Spanish). She refused to speak in English (although she knew the language) and would volunteer me to give talks, look at me to teach parts of the lesson, and would ignore me when I was talking in English. Again, I wasn't called to be Spanish speaking. My companion was just mean. But I killed her, so it didn't matter too much. ("Killing" your companion means that your companion goes home once that transfer was over. I killed my trainer too.) Needless to say, I lost a lot of weight and a lot of sleep that transfer due to stress.
Third area, fourth companion- Sister Anderson was the total opposite of my third companion. She was from Demark, was a Temple Square sister, and was the nicest person I ever met. By this time, it's July and we're in South Chicago. It is hot and humid. Our apartment was in the basement of the apartment complex and our food would go moldy within 4-5 days of purchasing it. I developed a weird rash, which turned out to be from the mold that my towel was growing because it never dried completely between showers. So gross! I "killed" her (she went back to Temple Square) and got another companion for 3 days. Still couting as 2 companions in one transfer.
Fourth area, sixth companion- This was my transfer in the ghetto. We were in East Chicago, Indiana. My companion, Sister Ahokava, was from Tonga. No one could say her name correctly, so most called her Sister Avacado. We would go tracting where I was the only white person. Here's how a typical door approach usually went: I knock on the door. Person on other side, "Who is it?!" (Just like the Eddie Murphy sketch from SNL) Me, "It's the missionaries from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints." Person, "You the cops?" Me, "No, we're the missionaries." Person opens the door, looks at me glaring, "So you saying you ain't the police?" Me, "No, we're here to talk about God." Person opens the door and then looks me up and down. Then looks at my companion with shock. Person, "Whoa! You some kind of Mexican." Comp, "No, I'm from Tonga." Person looks at me, "What she say?" Me, "She's from Tonga, it's a country kinda by New Zealand." Person eyes companion wearily. Me, "Anyway, we're here to talk about Jesus Christ and..." Person, "Not interested", closes door.
Fifth area, seventh companion- I'm a follow up trainer and senior companion to Sister Gubler. This companion thought that you weren't working if you weren't tracting. We were in an apartment that used to belong to a Senior Missionary couple, so it was really nice and had a washer and dryer. For that reason, the Elders were always coming over to do their laundry on Preparation day while we were out grocery shopping (since we can't be in the apartment at the same time). One day we had to go to a Sisters' Conference in Chicago all day, so we told the Elders to feel free to do their laundry while we were gone. We came home after a long drive from Chicago to find a live lobster in our toilet. I thought it was funny, but my companion freaked out. We ended up calling the Elders and making them take it out.
Sixth area, seventh (same) companion- The Zone Leaders decided that their area was too big, so they gave us half their area to add to ours. We had to move to their old apartment (dirty, tiny, stinky) to be in our new area and then help the elders move to their new apartment. By this time, I was spending more time in the doctor's office in Chicago then working in our area. My companion was patient with me, but I could see she was unhappy. So it was decided that it was time for me to go home and see better doctors. I served for 11 months.
Well, that's the short version of my mission. Hope you got some giggles. There were lots of other stories I could tell, but I figured these were the least boring.